Friday, December 16, 2011

A Brief but Unpleasant Disappearance

In spite of a rough Round One of chemotherapy, Rick and I decided to proceed with our plans to visit Tucson for a week this month. We are trying to make decisions in favor of living our lives instead of in favor of fear. That might sound all spiritually evolved, but for a while there I was pretty sure we'd made the wrong decision.

On the morning of our departure – a week after Round Two – I woke up puny and went downhill. We had a 14-hour day of flying and driving, and while I wasn't exactly in pain – except for the mouth sores, which made my daily 2,869,421 pills quite a chore – I was beyond exhausted. Like a wet kleenex. I couldn't get up or move around or hydrate or anything. It was like death, but with nausea. I couldn't even read, and you know I'm down way, way low if I can't read. Sitting idle without reading is a thing I never do in real life, because it is unbearable. But sit and lie idle I did, for about 48 hours.

Exhaustion may actually be a good sign, because apparently tumor lysis (the metabolism of dead cancer cells) is very, very hard work for the body (so says my son, the student of cellular biology). If I was that wrung out, there may have been a lot of dead cancer cells to metabolize. At the time, though, I was just convinced they were killing me with their medical treatment. I was gone. I had no physical presence, and I had no personality. On paper that sounds kinda peaceful and Zen, but it really wasn't. It was awful.

I knew I was perking up yesterday morning when, while sitting idle in the car, I found myself reading the air-bag warning on the sun visor. You know how it's printed in both English and French. The French word for “injured” is blessés, which looks like it should mean “blessed.” By contrast, the word for “seat” is siège, which looks like it should mean “siege.” Children may be gravely blessed by air bags. A siege of children should always be rear-facing.

Personality reappearing. I am still alive.


  1. Your airbag haiku, "a siege of children should be rear-facing," is clear evidence that Jan is alive--maybe not well, ... yet, ... but alive. So glad, but so sorry you are going through this. Blessings.

  2. hang in there...soak up sunshine...there sure isn't any up here in fogland. It's a good sign that not all your grey matter has been affected if you can still translate!

  3. I don't you think you have to apologize for sounding 'spiritually evolved'..... :)